So You Wanna Have a Threesome? Part 1

The significant other has posed the question to you “Honey, it’s always been my fantasy to have a threesome. What do you think?”

If you are the woman in the relationship your initial reaction could be shock and dismay. If you are the man…well you are counting your lucky stars, now aren’t you stud? That is unless of course your luver-bug wants the third-party to be another hot stud. Well that’s different you say.

Yes, most woman and men have fantasized about having a threesome. Every man I have ever been involved with eventually brings up the topic. It’s the ultimate fantasy for a lot of men. The thought of two females going at it and doing naughty things to him… well, it’s a no-brainer.

Women on the other hand, are more reticent. We may fantasize about it but actually bringing ourselves to doing it can strike fear in the heart of even the most sexually open women.

I was in my very late 30′s when I had my first threesome. It was unplanned and I was swept up into a very spontaneous situation that involved lots of alcohol and a nudist pool party. Let me just say, for me, it was the most liberating sexual experience I had ever had.

It gave me the courage to try the lifestyle and see whether this was something I was into, or I was just behaving like a drunk college girl macking out with other girls just for shock appeal? It was an eye-opener and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it.

If you are considering having a threesome there are some things you need to know.  It’s not as easy to make happen as one would think. First of all, unless the two of you are already a pretty kinky couple and are in the Lifestyle, your choices of a third-party may be limited. As a matter of fact it can be very difficult to find a “single” female that would be willing to do this with the two of you. They are, in fact, so elusive they are called ” unicorns” by the Lifestyle/swinger set. I should know, I was a “unicorn” for a while and was hit up constantly by couples in the lifestyle circuit.

So your choices are, finding someone outside of the Lifestyle, or joining an Adult Lifestyle site to meet other folks looking for the same thing. I have had experience with both and they both have their pros and cons.

As the female in the relationship you probably will want to be the one to set it up. But who do you ask? First of all, ask yourself if this is something that you really want to do. After all it will kill it for your partner if you’re not into it. A trusted friend can be a good choice but can also cause some weird feelings after the fact. Feelings of jealousy, insecurity and just plain being oooged out can creep up on you and it’s not pleasant students.

Before you even do a thing with someone else, make sure you sit down with your partner and go over with him or her what is acceptable to you both and what isn’t. Communication is key here and cannot be stressed enough. Will there be just kissing and fondling or are you OK with penetrative sex? Is everyone using protection and does everyone have a clean bill of health? Those questions may not seem sexy but they are crucial to a pleasant and successful experience.

If you are lucky enough to have a good friend or acquaintance you trust and who would be interested then you are all set. Invite them out for dinner and dancing and dress sexy to set the mood. Words of warning: keep alcohol to a minimum! Yes do imbibe to relax everyone, but ignore the urge to get shit-faced. Wasted-drunk sex is never great one on one and can be a disaster in a threesome. It is essential that you have your wits about you so things don’t get sloppy.

Here’s a few tips:

(After you invite them back to your place of course, they are your guest so make them comfortable).

Make sure you have the appropriate protection, lubes and toys if you want to use them.

Make sure your place is clean and that you have gone through the trouble of putting clean linens on the bed.

If you have been drinking offer your guest the option of staying over for the evening, if you can provide a guest room for later otherwise be prepared for them staying the night with the two of you.

Keep on hand: wipes, towels, and toy cleaner

Plastic sheeting and/or an old sheet or blanket if the situation calls for it (for you more adventurous types).

If you want to videotape, digitally record or take photos of the night then you must get their permission beforehand. DO NOT take it upon yourself to photograph your hot tryst without everyone’s consent. Lit, horny people don’t always make the best decisions. Also this goes for posting or e-mailing photos as well.

Make sure you have plenty of water and snacks on hand and brekkie in the morning if you have overnighters.

If you are having trouble finding a willing and able body to do this with, then you may want to consider checking out the adult alternative sites. And that’s a whole ‘nuther ball game students. There is a lot to learn about going the lifestyle route. It’s not for everyone but if you are in a committed loving and healthy relationship it is definitely an option.

More on the in’s and out’s (tee- hee) of being in the Lifestyle in my next blog.

Vibrators, Lubes and Fetish Gear oh my! the Joys of Toys

Hmmmm. Open package, insert batteries, press button, BZZZZZZZ right? Uh wrong, not so fast gentle readers…what the hell is this thing and why does it have a 60 page booklet of instructions in 5 different languages? It’s snazzy, and in its own sleek black box. It’s very black, very small and very rubbery and it vibrates! It has it’s own charger and lil bitty carrying case. I could display it next to my blackberry and none would be the wiser. It’s the Lelo BO pleasure object.

“Cock ring” to you and me. I love this ring! I love that they call it a pleasure object… well, they call all of their products “pleasure objects.” I love that it is rechargeable (which eliminates the need for batteries). Batteries are a pain in the ass people. Especially when Mr. Wonderful and I are scrambling to find them during the heat of the moment and have to dig them out of the remote control.  Mr. Wonderful loves the Bo because he hates when I dig the batteries out of the remote control. Go figure ANYWAY so there, problem solved! And ladies this is a toy for both of you. It actually bzzzz’s nicely and worth noticing. He feels it, you feel it… everyone’s happy.

What can I say, I just love sex toys, but I haven’t always been the comfortable using them. Ever since I found my mother’s rather plain Jane, tan, little vibrator when I was twelve, I have been fascinated. I had no idea what it was. But it vibrated and was mysterious. I would sneak it from my mother and fathers bedroom and show it to my giggling girlfriends. We were all mortified and intrigued. What on earth was it and why did you need one of those. When we found out what it was used for, it was like “eeeeewwww gross!”  How could I know then the pleasures that lil object could bring?

I would actually be in my 30’s before I owned one of my own, because I was just too shy to even think about going and purchasing one. I wouldn’t even get one until my well-meaning husband at the time decided to get me one for my 30th birthday present. Although we had always had a terrific sex life, it was an ill-conceived idea. First of all, we weren’t getting along well at the time. Second, it was the ONLY thing he got me. Third, it was from a head shop… not the bastion of quality sex toys. And fourth but not least, oh my god it was big, purple and ugly. Yes, I realize receiving a vibrator as a gift is a good thing, and I probably sound like an ungrateful asshole, but I kept waiting for the rest of my gift, you know, something more thoughtful and less crude. But that was it, and I was so pissed that I refused to use it. Hmmm… come to think of it, I seem to remember him receiving it in the divorce settlement.

I was also not very comfortable with expressing to my sexual partners that I would like to use one during lovemaking. A sex toy was taboo. The feeling of silly embarrassment I felt as a girl would pop up at the very thought of it. I was always very open sexually and had a great view of sex, but crossing over into the world of toys felt incredibly embarrassing to me. That all changed shortly after my divorce, when I met a couple of guys who were in the Lifestyle. In case you aren’t familiar, that’s what “Swingers” prefer to be called these days. A little less tacky 70’s hairy-chest, gold-chainy. It’s all the rage right now, didn’t you know?

I met one young man in particular (just 27) who taught me the joys of toys. After hearing about my big bad purple vibrator story, he decided to give me a better experience. So 10 years to the day on my 40th birthday he made up for it all. I received a lovely dinner at Chat Noir first that evening. We danced to jazz and drank wine (it sounds terribly LA-TI-DA I know). We headed back home to his place and he led me into the bedroom. I got undressed, proceeded to lie on the bed and he told me to look under the pillows. I found a beautiful glass dildo under one pillow… a cute little bullet vibrator under the other.  Well mmm-hmmm I think we are gonna get along just fine!  He had also purchased some restraints and after blindfolding me and tying me up, gave me the most intense sexual experience I had ever had up until that point. It’s been game on every since.

It helps to have an open mind and to trust someone in order to let go of your sexual hang-ups. I have learned more about myself in the past 5 years than in any other time of my life. Finding yourself sexually, is the most liberating feeling in the world. Not being afraid to own your kinks and sexual preferences takes guts. Ok, my ability to get over using a vibrator is not huge I know, but it opened my mind up to experiencing things I have always been shy about. I was the epitome of the quiet girl next-door type…and now I am a sexual diva!

If you haven’t introduced toys into your bedroom yet, give them a try. There are so many fabulous products on the market right now. Mr. Wonderful and I have discovered all kinds of potions and lotions to try as well. We are in love with giving each other massages to start things off and have found a great massage oil. Intimate Organics Lemongrass and Coconut Aromatherapy Massage Oil smells de-lish and is certified organic. Their foot massage cream is wonderful for giving sensual footsie massages, is not greasy, and lasts for-eh-ver. Lubes are of course the best thing on the planet to enhance the function of your toys.

Some tips:

Silicone lubes are great for anal sex or latex toys. Be careful because they can degrade silicone toys. Check the manufacturers instructions. Nothing worse than spending a large chunk of your money on a primo sex toy to have it go all nasty on you from the wrong lube.

Water based lubes are great if you have sensitive skin. They are also safe for condoms. However, than can get sticky quickly.

Flavored lubes are wonderful for oral sex and hand jobs. We love “Wet” brand for their flavors (Yum!), however, flavored lubes should be avoided for intercourse. They can contribute to yeast infections in women because of their sugar content, and no one likes the yeastie beasties!

Keep your toys clean, dry, and put away in a special box to help keep them organized. You can transfer germs between uses so it is important to keep them properly maintained. There are special sprays and cleaners on the market that do the job nicely when you’re in a hurry. Wet makes one called “Keep it Clean” that you can just pump on a cloth and wipe everything down with. Very convenient!

I realize I am not blazing any trails here but if I can offer some insight into my sexuality, well then I am happy to do that. Sex is rad and it’s fun and it’s about time we let go of our insecurities and embarrassment. Enjoy your bodies and minds for a change.

Have a sexytime until next time…

Shellebelle

SEX BLOG…. Scandalous!

So how cool would it be, to be asked to write a blog about sex? Pretty damn cool I’d say. Uber cool actually. No, no, I am not a licensed sex therapist or licensed anything for that matter. I am a florist by day and an artist in my free time.

I am however REALLY keen on the subject and have had lots of it (sex that is) with various willing and able partners. I have had all manner of sexual experiences for a relatively normal “straight” woman in my early 40’s. Am I a sexpert? Who knows? After all can you really be an expert on something that is so very natural and part of most of our general built-in abilities? Alas, not all of us quite have the hang of things yet, so I will be giving you my insight and advice in the blogs to come.

So who am I exactly? I’m just a chick from Texas who moved out to sunny So-Cal 5 years ago. I moved out here with my then husband and after about a year here, decided to part ways after a good 10 year run at the marriage. At the age of 38 entered the California dating scene and had a cultural and sexual meltdown. You see y’all, I am from Texas, land of big hair, big make-up and big rednecks. We don’t have 40 yr old douche bags tryin’ to be 25 yr old hotties sportin’ trendy t-shirts and designer jeans and “cougars” are wild cats in my part of the woods. I’m a cougar? EEEWWWW!! No botox or plastic ta-ta’s for me! It was a bit of a culture shock.

However, I have almost fully acclimated. I have learned the art of layering, purchased the required footwear: flip-flops, Uggs, Chucks and Vans. I have toned down the hair, but not the make-up (some things are sacred people) purchased a beach cruiser and lives in gay-friendly and super laid back Long Beach. I waste endless amounts of time at the coffee shop Facebooking. I have learned to say stuff like, “rad!” and “super cute! But my Proxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0

st favorite pastime, without a doubt, is sex.

So after 3 years of vaguely amusing dating here, I have met: The. Hottest. Man. Alive. We shall call him Mr. Wonderful. He has all the basic 5 things you must have in a man, as laid out by the Sweet Potato Queens, (what??!! you don’t know who the SPQ’s are? Heathens! Get thee to a bookstore NOW!) Ahem, the basic requirements are as follows:

1) He can fix shit

2) He can shake his booty of the dance floor

3) He can pay for shit

4) He can carry on a decent conversation

5) He can give you amazing sex

and my personal addendum: 6) He has a nice cock. Score!

Yes fools…he exists and he is mine! We have been together almost a year, and let me tell you, life is yummy with the right man.

I am a firm believer in having a good sex-life and finding your sexual and emotional match. I will be offering my opinions and advice on sex in general, adult toys (my favs and how to use ‘em), being involved in the Lifestyle (swinging to you not versed in the lingo), monogamy, group sex etiquette, bi sex, gay sex, transgendered sex, hook-ups, safe sex, etc…. basically anything that involves happy and healthy lovemaking between consenting adults (yes… you aren’t mistaken… that sentence did end in “happy and healthy.”)

Some of my topics will include:

The science and mysteries of Lubricants: Which one works for which job?

The dos and don’ts of Adult Internet Dating (be afraid… be very afraid.)

How to make homemade porn without looking like an idiot… it ain’t easy folks.

Can you really be a free spirited, sexual freak of a being, aaand… be in a loving committed relationship?
Being naked during sexy time after 40: Do I need to be professionally lit… dreamy fog lens and all… cuz the dimples in my ass are smiling at me? Or should I just let it all hang out… cuz God don’t make mistakes?

Funny shit that has happened to me during my sexcapades. FYI… Grey Poupon is not a suitable lubricant people.

So that’s it folks. Hope you have time to stop by and see what I’m blabbing about next time.

~ Shellebelle